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Loved ones!

I hope that this message finds you all in some state of wonder at this miracle of a human life we've been blessed to experience this time around.

That's a pretty good reflection of where I find myself given what is suddenly happening in my life. For the last 2 months my left breast has been tender, sore, and the nipple collapsed and a little weepy. My OB/GYN didn't find a lump, but urged me to get a mammogram back in December - I waited till January to call ("Denial" is not a river in Egypt) and then they scheduled me for March. I didn't make a stink about the wait then (now I know I should have). I finally had it done last week, and the radiologist freaked a bit. . . The mammogram shows lots of calcifications in a configuration that concerns him. Now things speed up.

I'm scheduled for a stereotactic needle biopsy this Thursday. This sounds like a fairly unpleasant experience - but much less invasive than what they used to do. This should give them enough of a sample to run tests on in the pathology lab - and I should know by Monday if I've got anything to worry about. Of course, as fate would have it, I'm scheduled to be at a yoga retreat in Austin for a week. The docs are trying to discourage me from going with the rationale that I may have to take care of it right away. But as the John Friend (the workshop leader) wrote me, "At this juncture it is in God's hands, and so a really good place to be next week is with a lot of wonderfully loving friends in one of the most beautiful and fun places in the country at this time of year! You will be filled with great energy and love and that is what life is about! So, you are making a good decision in coming." I'm thinking I'll go with his line of reasoning. And I've got an appointment with the surgeons for the week I get back, just in case.

At this point what I would really appreciate is any good vibes you could send my way on Thursday. According to one of my mentors, Thursday is a hakyamuni Buddha day, the new moon, and so effects of practice and prayers are multiplied 100 times, say the Tibetans...

I'm definitely riding the waves of feeling confident and anxious, and after actually getting a call from the nurse and going over all my questions in detail, I feel better. I have friends coming with me for support. I'm definitely feeling the love and support of so many beautiful people, so this may turn out just to be a great blessing, that I get to feel so held and loved.

Thanks in advance for all your good will, and sending you all much love,

Natalia

Go team!

I can't tell you how amazing it is to feel all the support coming my way today.  I feel so blessed to have each of you in my life.   Thanks for your prayers, calls, emails . . . And to Kathy for putting me on the altar this morning.  I'm deeply touched and moved - and the tears keep flowing.

Ama and Corry came with today as the "A-team".  Corry provided the perfect soothing stone for me to hold . . . And Ama pulled out the best possible post biopsy remedy . . . ICE CREAM!!!   Thank you, thank you, thank you.  

In general, today was positive - that is, after getting over some confusion about just what "calcifications" are.  The technician came in saying they are so small they can't be felt.  "HUH???- what the heck have I been feeling then?"  I peel off my shirt and a few of the medical team palpate around my boob and within seconds they whisk me down to get on the ultrasound machine. There seems to be a change in plan.  Hmmm . . .  Was it something I said??  I got very confused and frustrated at the seeming communication lag.  Turned out they could get a good enough sample from this irregular mass I pointed out to them, and I didn't have to do the more complicated stereotactic biopsy.  Good news, but how the heck to I communicate clearly with these folks - probably like everything else in life - SLOW DOWN.

Cindi, my personal breast care coordinator stayed along every step of the way.  The radiologist commented that I must be very special to be getting this treatment.   Cindi personally walked my little wormlike samples up to pathology with the commitment to "bird-dog" the system so I get my results on Friday.  So for now its in the hands of the "chosen" little cells - I sent them off with a pep talk to represent us well and show those little technicians just how healthy we are.

Right now I'm counting on a very benign result, and I'm still planning on heading to Austin on Saturday for a week of yoga, music and fun.  More as I know it.

So thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.  

Much love,

Natalia

--
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"
- "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole

Amigos!

Well, if life has to be intense, I surely picked an amazing place to live it.  What an unbelievably gorgeous day!  I made some good life choices to end up here in this beautiful place today.  I’m certain that all the many blessings and prayers that have been flowing my way are helping me remember the beauty and miracles that are everywhere.  Thanks to each of you!  I’m feeling the love.

Cindi, the angel who has been assigned as my “breast care coordinator/navigator” called at noon to say that pathology had my results.  OK, deep breath.  Alex and Lauren, two more angels, offered to come with me to hear the news.  Alex has been in the medical field for a long time and both he and Lauren have such solid and warm personalities, I said, “heck yeah, I’ll take the dream team with me.”  So in we went at 4:00 to hear how my little sample cells did in the big lab.  I think we all did a pretty good job and staying loving, level, and real (and of course funny).  

For the last 2 days I’ve finally accepted the reality that there is something in my breast – and I also decided it was nothing serious.  All the medical folks seem to be holding the possibility of the worst case scenario.  So, it seems that the lab report landed somewhere in the middle.  I do indeed have something called ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) - which is the “good” kind of cancer – meaning it is not aggressively heading for my lymphatic system or anything like that.  I will most likely undergo some kind of surgery and follow up treatment – but no chemotherapy - so I will not be joining Melissa Etheridge bald on stage at the Grammy’s (she’s had to go the chemo route).   I know the many fans of my lovely locks are relieved to hear that.

So, I’m going off to Austin to do a week of yoga and be in the great energy field of John Friend and the Anusara Yoga community (and with my friends Lauren and Jim).  I have a feeling there is a miracle waiting to happen there.  I am sending an eviction notice to the invasive cells that have taken up residence my ducts.  They may have been lurking under the radar – but we are onto them now – and it’s time for them to move along.  They are going to be sorry they chose this boob – the host has just gotten most inhospitable towards them.  

So keep the prayers coming - and through my practice and our collective intention, perhaps we’ll see some cellular transformation and shock the folks at Marin General on the 22nd when I meet with the surgeon (who Barbara says is the best around).  

Again, I’m so very grateful for all your positive thoughts and prayers.  I’ll be in touch when I get back on the 21st.  It takes a village. . .

xoxoxoxo,

natalia  

--
We cannot do great things on this earth, we can only do small things with great love
~ mother theresa

It's me again.  Back from the Great State of Texas!  Yeee-haw.  Can't wait for y'all to see my new hat.  Thanks to Lauren and Jim for being such great hosts and showing me all that Austin has to offer (ask me about the unbelievable Whole Foods and the music scene).

After this first round of my personal "March Madness" (it's a basketball thing in case you live outside the realm of collegiate hoops) it was divine to dive into a week of yoga with the inspiring John Friend.  I started to visualize the cancer cells like mold in my ducts - and started infusing them with much needed exposure to a little sunlight to send them running. . . So the whole week was "inner body bright" - lifting and expanding my ribs and shining as much as possible from the inside out.  A pretty good idea for all of us anyway - it feels great!

I came back ready to see the surgeon today and get the show on the road.  The chosen one so far is Dr. Alison Smith, who has received rave reviews from happy customers like, "people can’t believe what a great scar I have."  Oh this is interesting territory.  She showed me my mammogram and explained that all the little white spots are the suspicious calcifications that freaked the other doctors out.  Oh great, it looks like I've got Bush Sr’s "thousand points of light" in my left boob according to that particular picture.  That's disturbing on so many levels.  

She is actually the first Dr. to physically examine my boob since December - and I know lots has changed since then.  So she is calling for more tests - just to rule out the possibility that some of those sneaky little buggers got into my lymph nodes already.  They did find DCIS (“the good cancer”) in the first biopsy – but it seems like there may be more.  So it is indeed possible that chemo may be involved; surgery for sure. . . .  I’ll keep you posted – it will probably be around the end of the month before I know anything else.

So for now, I'm just staying positive and grateful that the Dr. is being so careful and thorough.  Please keep your positive vibes coming this way - I'm soaking them up. . .  Feeling quite saturated - mirroring the plants out on my deck that have been absorbing this beautiful rain.   Something beautiful is sure to blossom from all this inner light shining and the continuous rain of blessings from you all.

Go team.  Feeling the love, oh yes, I'm feeling the love - and sending it back at you!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo,

natalia

--
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth

Oh my dahlings,

It's still March Madness (and Carolina is in Final Four - Go 'heels!!!). In my personal "MM", Dr. Alison Smith, the surgeon, the woman "in charge", called Monday to deliver that proverbial punch in the stomach.  The pathology report from last week's biopsies indeed show that those little critters have gone beyond my breast ducts and into my lymph nodes.  So it seems we are in for a wilder ride than originally anticipated.  Especially given that it is me we are dealing with!!  I explained that as an Aquarius "I need to know" everything - and she was right there - sharing that she too is an Aquarian.  Now that's a pretty cool surgeon who will talk astrology as we chart out this journey into the world of cancer treatment.  Only in Marin.  

I'm still having an MRI this morning (to make sure my right boob is OK).  Tomorrow's plans include a visit to the oncologist, who will be deciding whether they are going to do chemo before surgery - which sounds like a 16 week project - effects such as hair loss and fatigue etc, etc, still unknown to me (I'll know lots more tomorrow).  There is also a CAT scan on the horizon to see if these buggers have decided to visit any of my other organs.

At this point I'm still feeling fine, and staying focused on what  I do know, doing what I can do to optimize my overall health.  Well, kinda.  The other day, full of good intentions, I ordered some Raw Food books in the morning, and by the evening I was out having a juicy steak and red wine.  (I don't even eat red meat with any frequency!)  I'm guessing I'm reacting to the whole idea of being so "satvic" (that's yoga talk for "pure").  I have contacted the Pine Street Clinic who are the "A-Team" on Eastern approaches to cancer - and will get in to see them in the next few weeks and see what they have to say.  Of course I'm going to take these buggers on in every way I can think of - including placing a silver "milagro" in the shape of two boobs on my altar and adorning it daily (It’s a Mexican thing).  Maybe we'll do a "critical tits" ride through Marin or something (it's a burning man thing).  I'm also probably heading down to soak in the healing waters at Esalen this weekend.

Thanks so much for all your prayers and well-wishes!  I'm really feeling the amazing web of support I've got thanks to each of you.  Let's put it this way - I've received healing herbs blessed by the Dalai Lama, I'm getting vibes sent my way from the far reaches of the planet - including Mali (West Africa) and Antarctica, and have been pretty much been bathed in constant warm embraces from my local tribes.  So mostly I'm feeling pretty blessed.  If it has to be this fucking disease, I'm glad to be supported by all the amazing beings I've been so lucky to cross paths with.

So keep the good juju flowing, and stay tuned for more booby adventures.

Love, love, love, love, love,

natalia


--
"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts."
-- Rachel Carson, environmentalist.

It’s me again.

How 'bout those Tarheels! I think it a good omen that they are the national champions - I'm going to ride on the energy of their victory last night to my own. Speaking of the Tarheels - its one of three things Michael Jordan and I share. . . An alma mater (UNC-Chapel Hill), a birthday (February 17th) and soon, a hairstyle (Q-ball)!

Yes, it's true. March Madness may be over – but my own tournament – chemo - starts on Monday, April 11th and will go through mid August. That’s the first round. It's me and the 99.9% of my healthy cells vs. an 8cm little cluster of invasive cancer cells. I think the odds are pretty clearly with the home team, but it may prove to be a tough battle. Word is that the hair goes in the first 2 weeks. The list of other possible side effects is too lengthy to think about. So let's just fasten our seatbelts and hold onto our hats.

The good news is that the results of my bone and CAT scans seem to be good - and that my right boob seems to be fine according to the MRI. So we can just focus our energies on the one little lymph node under my left armpit - and the tumor in my left boob. So that means that my cancer is either stage 2 or 3. . . Not 4. Hallelujah!

Alex has been an incredible advocate going to many of my appointments with me so far, and doing lots of research on how to make this journey as painless as possible. On Thursday we go to “chemo lessons” and over to the Pine Street Clinic for the Eastern view of this battle. Lauren (my roommate from UNC) is arriving on Sunday to stay for the first 2 rounds of this adventure. Other folks are trying to put together on-line resources to coordinate support efforts. We'll be in touch as we "go live" as they say in the biz.

Thanks for all the love - I'm feeling it and sending it back with much gratitude!

Love, love, love, love, love,

Natalia

--
We clasp the hands of those that go before us,
And the hands of those who come after us.
We enter the little circle of each other's arms
And the larger circle of lovers,
Whose hands are joined in a dance,
And the larger circle of all creatures,
Passing in and out of life,
Who move also in a dance,
To a music so subtle and vast that no ear hears it
Except in fragments

~Wendell Berry

OK - things are on hold. . . There seems to be some trouble in getting results from my last biopsy, so my docs here wanted to postpone a few days in case they need another sample.

The other FANTASTIC news is that I just got a call from Dr. Amazing (aka Garrrett Smith) at UCSF. I'm in love. (That probably doesn't surprise most of you who know my romantic tendencies.) He has some different ideas about how my sneaky little case presents, and wants his pathologist to look at my little cell samples. I have a very good feeling about this. YEAH!!!!

The turtle has become my power animal in the last month - I somehow knew there was a reason to slow down (and most of you know what a challenge that is for me). It is all very scary to go slow in the face of those hungry little buggers, but I still think it is the right path of action to get all the information I need first.

Still feeling soooo blessed to have such a great team,
Much love,

Nat

--
"Pay attention to your life. Experience it as the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness. Touch, taste, smell and sense your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

~ Fred Buecher

Whew!

Ever driven down Hwy 1 in a Maserati? Neither have I, but that's the best analogy I can give you for the pace which I've flown over many twists and turns in the last 3 days. I couldn't possibly have updated you fast enough. As Jim who is so generously updating this website says, "You're so dynamic."

So as of this moment - the show is scheduled to start at 1:30 Wednesday at UCSF under the careful guidance of Dr. Garrett Smith, oncologist. The first act will be chemo (Adriamycin and Cyclophosphanide). However, we are only doing this because every surgeon of repute in SF and Marin is on SPRING BREAK. D'oh! In Dr. Garrett Smith's (as opposed to Alison Smith, the surgeon) opinion, surgery (including taking out the affected lymph nodes) has 100% chance of getting all the cancer out now, while chemo only has a 70% chance. I like the sound of 100%, and know full well that very little in life is predictable to that absolute surety - especially cancer. I am currently pursuing two options for surgery which I hope will happen in the last week of April/ first week of May. All together now - visualize 2 fantastic surgeons coming together - one to extract the little buggers and one to restore the crime scene to a state of voluptuous beauty.

We just don't want to let the ravaging go on for two or three more weeks - so we're going to hit it with some chemo. Word is that every individual responds differently - but the most difficult time is likely to be 24-48 hours after the dose. That should make April 15th particularly unpleasant this year. Last year I looked for a diversion to avoid doing my taxes and put about 10 years of photographs into a photo album. Little did I know I would find a much bigger distraction this year . . . YIKES!!

Thanks again for all your positive thoughts and support. I feel so loved! There is an on-line calendar in the works to coordinate the support crew as things develop. The ball is in my court to actually put my needs up there - and as soon as I do, I'll let you all know the details. Lauren is flying in from Austin tomorrow and will be here for the first bit and will help me get organized.

OK, here we go. . . The clean up phase begins!

Much love,
Natalia

P.S. Peggy will be teaching for me on Wednesday - and call the Studio for Thurs/Friday subs. They said they would create a voicemail system to announce daily subs soon.

Hey y'all -

So we are 48 hours post chemo drip, drip, drip. . . The actual process took about 3 hours and was pretty painless. Corry came with and we passed the time pretty easily (including a nice foot massage). The chemo room has a nice view across Golden Gate Park to the ocean – so maybe its worth the trek to UCSF. There was one elderly man in there finishing up his drip for the first 30 minutes of my drip. I asked him, “How is it that two good looking young folks like us end up with cancer?” He smiled.

So far I'm just sleeping lots - and what a welcome miracle that is! Unfortunately Lauren who came to take care of me got nauseas instead. Now that's a true friend. I’m also a little more spacey than usual. . . At least I have an excuse now. It seems like the chemo is really doing its job – my boob actually turned red yesterday. Cool!

We are trying to get the energy together to put out a calendar on-line so that you guys can know when I need/want support. Look for that in the next few days. You can always call if you are around, have time and want to do something in the meantime.

Next step is talking to surgeons next week – and deciding whether to keep going with chemo for the next 16 weeks – or pause, do surgery, and then continue chemo. My intuition is changing every few hours at this point.

Thanks again for all the good juju you are sending my way. It seems to be working. Hallelujah!

Natalia
tel: 415-924-2104

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

~ Dr. Seuss

OK, I love chemo!! For a girl who doesn't sleep well - being knocked out for 2 days was a dream (although I didn't remember any of them). No nausea at all. Of course we still have 7 days or so till you'll see the glare coming off my skull. I may be singing a different song by then. In the meantime Jennifer has kindly agreed to give me some spunky short cut to ease the transition. I'll post a picture for those of you who are far away.

I can't believe its only Wednesday. Lauren and I have covered so much ground, and my Maserati ride through the medical world may be causing me the nausea that I missed with the chemo. The pace of the changes is mind blowing. We've seen 3 surgeons, a reconstructive surgeon and talked to a radiation oncologist, as well as about 5 amazing women who have been through this ordeal already. And then there is the research and debates. We are pretty wiped out. 2 more appointments to go.

I'm pretty sure surgery is happening sometime in the next 7 days. The glitch is to implant or not. How women ELECT to do this procedure is really beyond me in this moment. How does one make a decision when none of the options sound appealing at all. If I go with an implant now am I chosing vanity over survival? If I just focus on maximizing the efficacy of the cancer treatment do I ruin my chances of having a somewhat "normal" looking chest? The most fun option I've heard so far is putting some kind of wild tattoo over the scar and just be lopsided. We'll have a contest for all you artists if I go that route.

So it's time to call in the psychics. I need the kind of help that the medical world ain't providing with all their statistics and caveats. They have good medicine, but certainly not all the answers. Stay tuned - this is sure to be an interesting chapter.

We'll be in touch with information on the support network (that's your part) soon.

love, love, love, love, love,
natalia

In another hairpin turn on this ride, I'm going in for surgery TODAY, Friday, April 22nd at around 4:30pm at CPMC at 3700 California St in SF. (that is if my blood counts come back OK - which I'm pretty sure they will) I'll definitely be there over night and maybe Saturday night too.

Dr. Peter Richards is going to do the clean up job. I spent some time last night grieving the loss of my beautiful left boob - and thanked her for being such a hero. She really took the hit for the rest of me, and as Lauren pointed out if I had to lose one of my senses or a body part, the boob is a pretty good one. There was clearly some toxicity that needed a way out of my body, and I am glad it chose my boob, and I am going in with the visual that my boob is a big sponge and soaking up all those little cancer critters right now and leaving none of them behind. Those little buggers are admitting defeat as we speak and heading out with my boob.

Dr. Loren Eskenazi is going to build a beautiful monument in my left boob's honor. After much research and debate, I decided to take the risks involved with getting an implant at the time of my mastectomy so that I keep my options open and have the best chance of getting on with LIFE. I checked in with my chest wall last night too - and it seems ready to receive the lovely silicone blob. . . And help create a new work of art to honor our brave passing boob.

I'm making a deal with them that once they are in there if there is any intuitive hit that they shouldn't proceed, or if they find any cancer cells in the skin etc., the implant is a no-go.

Your help visualizing all the little stray cancer cells gathering up into my breast tissue today would be great. And send a little energy to my chest wall/ pectoralis muscles as they bravely step into their new roll and welcome the new team player.

So here we go. We'll be in touch. (415) 600-6000 is the number at the switchboard at CPMC. If you want to visit try that number or my cell 415.846.2287.

Much love,

natalia

In bocca al lupo, into the mouth of the wolf, or Italian for "break a leg", wrote one of my students on Friday. To which the standard reply is crepi il lupo forget the wolf. That's pretty much the attitude we went in with and came out with. We love the Italians.

Wow! I'm so overwhelmed by all the love coming at me (or is it the pain killers??). After going through that hellish decision making process last week, surgery seemed like a breeze. I've heard that the time between diagnosis and treatment is often the worst - so far I agree. Since I finally let go of the idea of having a normal working life for awhile, I've been able to relax and just enjoy all the loving attention that has been coming my way. Let's just say "WOW" again.

Since my last update: Friday morning we made an "urgent" call to Jack who made time to do a photo shoot of my boobs and hair in a beautiful setting in Golden Gate Park. Art and Liz showed up for the pre-op pep talk, comedy show, love-fest. Julia and Tim were there for the just post-surgical morphine haze. Saturday was just a joyful blur of phone calls and faces - the nurses and other patients wondered what kind of party was going on in room 110. (a damn good one!) I came home to a shiny new cart for my support team to wheel stuff down the boardwalk, and a house full of balloons, flowers, food and well wishes. (dinky the duck loves his new home - and all the feathered friends that are coming by to say hi!)

This morning I was routinely running my fingers through my hair - and realized that, yes indeed, the great shedding has begun. Jennifer came over this afternoon for the ritual chopping. She started by making six 10" ponytails - and cut each one with the intention that this loss will take away the suffering from all the beings that are diagnosed with this disease. Now I've got a sassy new look - and am in need some advise on "product"! (I've also got the six 10" ponytails of my locks which will go to the highest bidder.)

Lauren continues to be the amazing energizer bunny taking care of me and running the newly formed "Natalia Incorporated". I feel like the CEO who finally has her dream assistant. I cannot begin to express how amazing she is. And I'm so blessed to have so much to coordinate - just in one day - Mark and Ama headed the garden crew while Amy, Allison, and Ann (the "A" team) were on food detail, Paul, Onika (w/babe), and Bruce on entertainment, Irwin on technology, Art and Elizabeth on art and interior, and the countless phone calls chiming in from all directions. . . it is quite the show.

Remember it is a long journey - so don't worry if we haven't connected directly yet. There is PLENTY of time. With all the treatment they've got in store for me it's likely to be the end of the year before we're clear. For now I'm just focusing on resting, doing lots of visualizing and breathing to speed up the healing, and keeping in touch with my medical team, and of course absorbing all the love you are sending my way.

More soon.

con amore,
natalia

We are still on the Maserati ride over here at the creekside healing hacienda. We saw the artist of my new boob yesterday who looked at the drain coming out of my wound and said, “Wow, I’ve never seen anything like this in my 20 years as a surgeon.” Oh yes, a bit of pride arose, of course I am special. The color and quantity of fluid coming out of me is remarkable – she’s sending it to the lab. My visual is that my body is just really letting the yucky stuff go, and go, and go. . . . I’m a juicy babe after all!

The clean up doc also called yesterday with the lab report on what they took out of my boob. Well, how do you say . . . “bad, bad, bad” on all counts. The tumor was mostly invasive cancer (not DCIS as they had hoped), 11 out of 12 nodes removed are positive, and there is extranodal activity. We go in for more details on Friday. As I said to Dr. Richards, "Good thing that what you describe is no longer in my body. Thanks for getting it all out!" All he has said so far is that I am definitely having radiation (which gives my new monument a 50% chance of survival - I'm guessing that all the help I'm getting from my global juju team will skew those odds).

We're going off to the beach for a few hours of r&r. Gotta show Lauren the ocean before she heads back to Texas.

natalia

Greetings to my amazing posse!

We are all so sad to see Lauren leave today that even the clouds are crying in May (almost unheard of here)!! I cannot tell you all what a blessing it has been to have this angel in my life for the past 3 weeks (and 20 years). She flew back to Austin for her wedding anniversary (her 5th on 05-05-05). The brief update on my condition (besides missing my Lauren): I am definitely still in recovery from the surgery and will be for several weeks. Dr. Eskenazi said I could lift my left arm to 90 degrees once a day. Yippeee!!!! How absurd is that??? So, I take it from that instruction that I won’t be using my left arm much – making most 2-handed events a challenge (Lauren has been taking care of so many little things, I haven’t even really noticed that I can’t do much). I saw my oncologist today – and we scheduled me for chemo again on Monday 5/9 . . . Which means fatigue will likely join the show in a starring role on Tuesday – Thursday next week. (Any takers for the nausea? See blog of 4/20)

So far, this disease still mostly seems like some weird blessing – a great opportunity for me to realize just how amazing we all are and how much this act of giving and receiving strengthens our connection – something I’ve been craving for a long time. Thank you so much!! I’ve been intrigued with Marshall Rosenberg and his Nonviolent Communication work in the past few years. I’ve never been much of a “receiver” and as I journey through this healing process, his words have been helpful . . .

“When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being. “

In that spirit, a whole team of people have put together a calendar and message board on my website to help coordinate all that may be involved in keeping this healing process on track. Things are in preliminary stages, but here’s the scoop.

The calendar is at http://www.beginwithin.net/calendar/calendar.php

To make this process as easy as possible, a few guidelines:

1. Need _______ ....really means an opportunity to help. If you would like to help, just click on the event to edit its title. For example, Need dinner is listed on several dates. You can sign up to help by clicking on that line in the calendar and then click “edit this event” (bottom right corner). Once you are in that window, then delete the word “need” in the “event” line and put your name and preferably, your cell number in the appropriate fields.

2. Click ‘Enter’ and make sure to hit the “Refresh” button to see your changes reflected in the calendar.

Please note that bringing dinner doesn’t mean that we necessarily dine together. If you would like that, let me know and we can see what my energy/schedule looks like. I will also try to put up general food requests on the message board soon.

**** Also check out the party on March 13th! Details below (or in attached documents – however your program works) *****

The message board is at http://www.beginwithin.net/phpBB2/
1, Please use the link to register (in the top row of links at the top of the “forums” page)
2. Click to agree to the terms (if ya do)
3. Just fill in the top part so that I have your email address (I won’t spam you – unless you consider this spam)
4. Add your ideas to the forums that are up there

An important forum that I’d love feedback in is “The Lauren”.
A few of us have brainstormed and think having one person volunteer to be “the Lauren” for several days at a time would be helpful. The “lauren” basically mean being the one who checks in with me in the morning at some point and then helps brainstorm on anything that needs to get done – a take charge kinda person (which I have a hard time doing while I’m trying to rest and heal). Please add your thoughts and how that might look for you if you are interested.

Alrighty then – thanks so much for your presence in my life. Sending much love to each of you!

Namaste,

Natalia Rae

P.S. The lab results on my drain fluid says that its creamy color is “chyle” - which is a lymph fluid that is supposed to be draining toward my sternum – not down toward the drain as it currently is. For those of you who are into visualizing you can try out seeing my lymph fluid draining from my left collar bone toward my breast bone – so that we can get on with this healing! And those of you who know medical specialist in the area of lymph drainage, send me more info!!!


I never feel more given to
than when you take from me —
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.

To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.
When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.


Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer (in Marshall Rosenberg’s book)

a miracle! the fluid moving into my drain lost its milky hue this morning and turned to something resembling apple cider. YIPPEEE!!! I was so excited - it's the little things in life, you know. Corry, "Lauren II" as dubbed at the dr. ofc, drove me into see Dr. Eskenazi anyway. The plan was for the Dr. to put another drain in - but she took one look at my drain and said, "I'd rather not put a new hole in your side." I had to agree. A quick consult with between she and Dr. Richards (the surgeon) resulted in the decision "don't poke a skunk". So instead we got to celebrate Dr. E's birthday with the office staff- and had some amazing homemade cheescake. Yumm! A much better way to spend an afternoon.

So the drain is still in. This is not good b/c we are at the 2 week mark and I have to keep taking antibiotics until they take it out. And who wants to be taking antibiotics and getting chemo at the same time?? (Is that a dumb question?) So since y'all did so well on visualizing the flows going in the right direction - now we've got to slow it down to a drip less than 30cc/day. Right now its about 150cc/day. As Alex says, I've proved to everyone that I'm a juicy babe, so cut it out already. OK, OK!

Corry was an amazing Lauren for the last 2 days. Thanks a billion!

xoxo,
natalia

Greetings!

Only the intrepid made it out to the Creekside today. Jennifer weathered the storm bearing her shears (and some delicious ginger scones!) - and yes, it's all gone (the hair and the scones). I'm one step closer to "being like Mike" (Jordan that is). Photos posted soon. Amy, the Lauren du jour, massaged my scalp to get the remaining fuzzies out, a new task to add to the list. It is a little freaky, but light. I'm so glad I had the transitional haircut. Thanks Jen! And thanks Amy for stepping in this weekend.

Tomorrow Ann is taking me in for round 2 of chemo. I'm scheduled for 9:30 - so for the visualizers - here's what I'm up to. . . I'm asking the chemo drugs to please have as much discrimination as possible; welcoming them as allies, and thanking them for helping me heal. Chemo drugs depend upon blood circulation to carry it throughout the body – so it can find any post-surgical strays and knock ‘em out. So any help seeing my body totally relaxed and receptive would be greatly appreciated! (See the 5/6 post for a success story in this visualizing woo-woo)

A FEW THINGS TO CLARIFY
1. Two people have said that they thought my message of 4/27 said I had a 50% chance of survival. NOT SO! My implant has a 50% chance of surviving radiation - and the implant can evidently be easily replaced (one doc called it "changing the tire"). My life is going to survive this whole process. I am as sure of that as anything else in life.

2. The calendar. The Friends of Nat have added some items to the message board and calendar- cleaning and general availability for last minute things. They are outlined in the "requests" section of the message board in more detail. Many people have been asking my close posse what they can do - this is an attempt to answer that in some sane fashion. And simply sending good juju is always a great thing to do. This is all a grand experiment so thanks for your eagerness, patience, and suggestions. A true work in progress.

3. Check out the story my dear friend Hilary MacGregor wrote for the LA Times about the study on remote prayer I participated in. It is run by Marilyn Schlitz (on Esalen's Board and Megan McFeeley's boss) and my very own Dr. Eskenazi. Small world.
http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-prayer2may02,1,4994743.story?ctrack=1&cset=true>

OK – getting to bed now – beauty rest before chemo.

Much love,

natalia rae

Chemo, drain, chemo, drain. drip, drip, drip. My life is a drip. The most startling thing is that my drain turned back to its milky color again after the chemo on Monday. Hmmm... could it be the chemo?? We are down to 100cc or so per day - and it looks like Dr. E may take it out tomorrow. Keep the visual of the leaky garden hose sealing up.

The last 3 days have been a bit of a blur. . . well, so have the last 8 weeks for that matter. Elizabeth seems to have taken on the "nausea" role for me this time. Ann held space for thte drip, and Wilderness Dave came over Monday to take me on quite the internal journey. Tim managed to keep me in resting in the house on Tuesday. Barbara and Eloise showed up for some loving touch on Wednesday. Today I started to feel a little more awake and Eloise and I attacked the mountain of paper which has taken over my office. Then I took a long nap, and Amy H. showed up for my second wind and we actually opened the countless envelopes from Blue Shield and all the various medical establishments I've been frequenting. Boy do these guys know how to charge!

Luckily Katherine showed up with the most delicious raw dinner for the work crew here. And one of the best things was her preparing and serving me veggie juice (red from the beets) in a wine glass. I've been watching everyone enjoy their wine for the last few weeks - and this just felt like such a treat! It is all about the presentation. Another highlight today was Christie and Sharon showing up with a baseball cap that reads "Fuck Cancer". My students really get me.

Mark and his fancy vibrating razor did the final shave to Q-ball tonight. So far I'm thinking y'all are going to see a lot of my naked head. I'm loving it and can't imagine putting a wig on. Hats - oh yes - I already love hats. No problem. Turbans maybe. We'll just have to see about wigs - better be fun or no deal.

Hope to see many of you Friday!

con mucho gusto,
n

Wow! Friday the 13th ended up being quite the day of love - don't know if that fits in with superstition, but it works for me. Dr. E. lovingly decided to leave the drain in a few more days (as she was not going to be around to deal with any difficulties over the weekend). This was also great so that I didn't have to be still for the rest of the day because I had a whole lotta hugging to do.

Christine Price, my teacher, friend, idol, did a day-long program for people who practice the form of self-inquiry she calls gestalt awareness practice (for my benefit - financially and emotionally). It was so amazing to drop into this practice again - and get some better understanding of what is going on with me at some of the deeper levels around this disease. I have some fear about spreading these cells outside of the already affected area - and I came to the idea that I'm using the drain as a safe way out. Luckily another part of me stepped in to remind us of the fact that the chemo is doing its job and it is probably just fine to let my lymphatic fluid circulate as it is supposed to - and not rely on the "crutch" of the drain.

Then it was on to the gala evening. Maia Newman had the brilliant idea a few weeks back to through a benefit for Jennifer and I - and pulled together a great team to make it all happen Friday night. It was quite an amazing experience to sit in front of more than a hundred people I know from many different parts of my life and feel all the love. I highly recommend it! Thanks so much to all who attended - it was a night I'll be remembering for a long time.

Onto a weekend of recovering!

natalia

The weekend was all about recovering from Friday for me. . . while down in Orlando, Florida, my oncologist and his colleagues discussed the latest greatest wonder drug, herceptin. I am one of the special 25% of folks with breast cancer that is "Her-2" positive. Her-2 is a genetic mutation (we always wondered about me) that causes a more aggressive form of breast cancer. That's bad. The good news is (watch the spin here . . . ) adding Herceptin to chemotherapy reduces the risk of recurrence by 52%. Every news outlet in the country covered this story. Eagerly awaiting a live report on what exactly this means for me from Dr. Smith on Thursday. I love that I am suddenly so cutting edge! So "above the fold" news! An "early adapter"!

In fact, speaking of the media. . . looks like a crew from ABC Nightly News is lined up to come on out to the creekside and interview me about the Remote Prayer study I participated in. Perhaps an opportunity to add my two cents on the concept of prayer - which is a somewhat different beast than what the Religious Right and their saviour G.W. Bush are promoting. I'm looking for soundbites - so send me your thoughts on the subject. (You can read more about the study under general info on the message board).

To further aid the recovery, Liz Rosner came over like an angel bringing lots of yummies, two huge planters, and her book "Speed of Light" for a reading by the author herself. The Yoga Studio sent over Angelica, the cleaning angel, who restored the healing hacienda to its pristine state. Also new to the scene are two great chaise lounges for our relaxing pleasure. Come enjoy!

Many other angels continue to show up in beautiful ways - my gratitude practice is getting some serious attention these days. Angels really are everywhere.

And by the way, the gestalt work I did on Friday seems to be working - the flow was down to 70cc on Saturday, and 50cc on Sunday. Yippee! Looks like we are on for Tuesday drain removal.

Yipee!

Alrighty. . . here we go again. Since we took the drain out on Tuesday (absolutely painlessly, btw) I've been wrapped up with an ace bandage (think Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry) and still my left boob is swelling up quite noticeably. On top of that I caught that little cold that has been working its way around town. So Dr. E is having me come in on Saturday with the intention of putting the drain back in. She put me on antibiotics again today. Just pray that this swelling goes down over night, and I don't have to go through this again.

In better news, Dr. Smith was so thrilled to deliver the good news from the American Oncology Association meeting over the past weekend. I'm one of 10 patients he gets to bring this news to. In fact, he is calling back the patients that he has seen in the last 2 years that are "Her-2" positive. The results are just that good that he can't not give the herceptin to them. I think it is no accident on the timing of this "great discovery" and the discovery of my condition. You guys are a powerful bunch - and all of a sudden the "worst" kind of breast cancer now has the "best" prognosis. A miracle. I am scheduled to start taking it the first of July given the treatment plan I'm on now. Still not sure on the protocol - but it starts wih the Taxol which is the 2nd half of the traditional dose-dense chemo. It will deifintely mean I'm in treatment for alot longer - but it sounds like its worth it.

Not supposed to be using my left arm at all - which means typing too I'm gonna guess - so signing off for now.

much love,

natalia

Things on the boob front are holding steady - what else would they do when compressed in an ace bandage 24/7?? Well, let's make that 23/7. Katherine, the angel, was over Sunday and decided I could go free for awhile. Hallelujah! That was pretty amazing to breathe freely for a bit. Looks like it hasn't gotten any worse, so we avoided another drain appointment yesterday. I'm feeling optimistic that we are heading in the right direction now.

Getting ready to talk to the crew from ABC today. Why did I participate in a study on remote healing? Well, when the diagnosis of something as serious as cancer enters my life, I am one to call on all the resources I can find. That certainly includes all of you, and I attribute much of my mirculous journey through chemo so far to all the good energetic support I've received. If someone who is a "professional" at this energy work wants to add their support - fantastic. It's non-invasive, cost-effective, and doesn't require yet another appointment or any paper work. Now that's the kinda healing I can get excited about (not that I'm discounting the amazing work of my western medical tribe at all).

So much more to report, but I'll leave it here for now.

always, every moment of every day, in gratitude,

natalia

So, the crew from ABC hauled all their gear out here yesterday and we had a really interesting two hour talk about this journey I'm on and more specifically about the "remote healing" study I participated in during my surgery. I hope I was helpful and not too out there with my somewhat "northern california" views. Quick summary: As a cancer patient I'm all for studying anything that might help me recover from this disease. I happen to be "lucky" to be "Her2" positive so will be benefitting from the Herceptin drug that has just been in trial for 5 years. I'm very grateful to all the women that participated in that study, and I'm happy to maybe be of help to those who come after me. And why not study "energy" - it's non-invasive, cost-effective, and I don't have to have an appointment. And I believe the world is already a better place just by the fact that someone sat still and had positive thoughts for 20 minutes a day. That already cultivates peace, and I believe that even if it wasn't directed at me, the ripples affect me anyway. The more any of us do that, the better the world is going to be. I believe that "God" or the "divine" is in each one of us - and it is important to remember that and allow that to shine out as much as possible. Thinking positively about someone in need seems to be one of the easiest ways I know to access that place in me. And the more I do that, the better I feel. And yes, I do it for myself.

And there it is. I will certainly let you know if I hear when it is being aired.

And this just in from the Yoga Studio. Following in the kind and generous footsteps of my Esalen community, my gestalt community and my dance tribe, Maritza and the YogaStudio folks are putting together an event for this Saturday. I'm going in for chemo today - so don't think that I will make it, but my heart will be there. Much gratitude for all of this!

natalia

A snowflake is one of God's most fragile creations, but look what they can do when they stick together! ~Author Unknown



Karma Yoga (selfless service to humanity)

The Yoga Community gathers in support of Natalia Rae's medical and health journey. Join together and attend a Benefit Yoga Class taught by Maritza.
When: Saturday, May 28, 2005
Time: 3:15 - 5:30 PM
Where: Yoga Studio Larkspur Landing www.yogastudiolarkspurlanding.com
Donation: $65 (All Proceeds go to Natalia)

If you can't make this Benefit Class and would like to donate money, checks can be made payable to Natalia Kraft and left at YogaStudio Larkspur Landing, or mailed to:
YogaStudio Larkspur Landing
2207 Larkspur Landing Circle
Larkspur, CA 94939

You can also make a payment through credit card at the YogaStudio and they will collect all monies on her behalf.

The maserati ride seems to be in that stretch of Hwy 1 near the light house and Andrew Molera Park in Big Sur - flat and straightforward. Hallelujah and amen for these parts of the ride. Of course, this is the part of the ride we get to open up the engine a bit - giving my internal process a chance to fire up. If my life is any market indicator it might be a good time to buy stock in whoever makes Kleenex.

As Michael Broffman (the alternative medicine genius I am working with) says, there are 3 stages to chemo: Stage 1 (the first 3 days of a cycle) - letting the chemo kill of the cancer cells; Stage 2 (days 4-7) cleaning out all the dead cells; and Stage 3 (day 8-14) strengthening and enhancing the immune system to go back in again. Kinda feels like I go through an intense menstrual cycle with a whole lot less recovery time before the next one hits. This last round had a new side effect of some pretty uncomfortable bone pain - felt like I got hit by a truck for about 24 hours there. Luckily it coincided with Maritza's benefit at the Yoga Studio - so I had some extra-concentrated juju coming my way at just the right time. Wow! What a team.

In the Good News department, Dr. E has given me the "yellow light" to walk and start exercising my lower body. Yeah! Have been walking a bit for the last 5 days and even danced on Saturday. After 6 weeks of stillness I am so ready. I also got the new assignment of pinching my lovely new monument several times a day with full force to prevent contracture (hardening). This is some kind of weird masochistic exploration.

It is amazing to me how just taking care of myself is such a full time job at this point. I am sooooo grateful to all of you who have revealed your angel wings and shown up so beautifully to help out. As the preacher at Glide Memorial said this morning, "Love is a doing thing." I sure have some "do-er's" in my corner of the ring, and there is plenty of room for more. The calendar for June is up - so if you have some time and feel moved to join in on this journey in some way let me know - you can email me or just put yourself up there on a day that works for you. The food deliveries have been an absolute life saver - and probably responsible for keeping my appetite up. Also, it would be great to have some companions to walk with occasionally and help me get creative about working my lower body w/o involving my arm. Then there is always the mountain of paper work that is accumulating in my office to tackle.

Going back in for my last round of A/C on Wednesday. Then I get a 3 week break before we start the Taxol and Herceptin (a whole new ball game). If I get the clear from Dr. Smith - I will likely head down to Esalen for a few days of retreat, and then up to Mendocino for the annual gathering of the SOUP clan. This is all tentative, but would all make my heart so happy. . . so let's all hope it happens. . . 'cause you know the saying - if Natty ain't happy, ain't nobody happy (or something like that).

oodles and oodles of smooches,

Natalia

We fall down, but we get up. For a saint is just a sinner who fell down, but couldn't stay there, and got up. ~ "We Fall Down", beautifully sung by the amazing vernon bush this morning (vernonbush.com)

Hope the first days of summer are bright and abundant wherever this message finds you. How ‘bout that beautiful moon out there?? Howling is happening out here on the creek. First, my apologies for the long silence. Several folks thought I was down for the count. Au contraire. . . I was down for some deep bliss.

Just how much opening and closing one can experience in one body part simultaneously is quite amazing. First, the opening -- so delightful, spacious, blissful, and after 3 months of treatment - much needed. This expansion always seems to be waiting for me in that beautiful stretch of land hovering over the ocean at the 33 mile mark in Big Sur. The drive down was a bit on the taxing side, but man, did that lawn at Esalen just suck me right in. Just lying there and soaking up all the earth, air, and sun was all I could do for several hours upon arrival. Then it was time for the water element. After a momentary shyness about exposing my "nipple-free" monument to the unsuspecting bathers, I figured, I am OK with it, and I've already got a bald head that should distract most people's attention anyway. So after months of anticipation, my body got to sink into those beautiful hot springs and every worry and concern just dissolved instantly. I am so grateful that I have such an amazing sanctuary on this planet. A few days later I had enough energy to make it down to the ocean itself and plunge into the creek and waves a bit. Yes, it was quite bracing in contrast to the relaxing hot springs. A momentary contraction, but very alive.

Back to the topic of opening, did I mention all the people? What a fantastic tribe still exists in the land where those coastal Indians roamed years ago. Esalen was filled with yogis and yoginis for Amy's great idea – the first yoga fest. Three of my favorite teachers in the world, Thomas, Shiva and Desiree were all there adding their beautiful energy to the mix. Jai, Nubia and 11 week old Ezra added their light . . . and I got to hang with the newest addition to the Esalen family, 16 week old little Sophia. I felt completely embraced by all my "peeps" - especially my colleagues in the office. I felt like royalty. With the help of all this love and support, I actually started getting into some yoga poses and did pranayama every day. I am getting back in the game kids. The most uplifting moment of the whole week was actually helping some students into handstand and watching their whole beings glow. I really, really miss teaching, and it felt sooo good to be in "giving" mode for a moment - and yet again realize how much I receive by giving. I can indeed get high on it all.

I arrived back at the Creekside where all the realities of life awaited. Paper, paper and more paper. Instant contraction. Yesterday I went to see Dr. Eskenazi to get some feedback on how things are going with my lovely monument. Unfortunately, it seems that tightness in my chest was more than just fluid retention. I have evidently experienced "capsular contracture" - the scar tissue around the implant has tightened and squeezed on the implant. They don't really know why it happens, but with me it is likely because of all the fluid I have had pooling in the area which had them worried about me breaking up the scar tissue for the last 8 weeks. So, it looks like Dr. E will have to "change the tire," and put in a new implant. Unless some miracle happens to loosen up the scar tissue (which I’ll certainly be working on with your great help in the visualization department), I’ll be going under general anesthesia again, and another drain. When we are going to do this is up in the air - the chemo comes first (gotta keep on those few stray cells). We'll just call my boobs "Maggie and Saggie" for now. Except for the feeling that I've got a constant spasm in the left side of my chest, I'm actually very pleased with the way my boobs look. So, hallelujah.

I now have the clear to do whatever exercise and movement that feels OK. No more worrying about the fluid for now since we are going to have to change the implant out anyway. So at least till next Wednesday when I go in for the next chemo round I hope to be out moving and grooving in the first days of summer.

I will also be at the Moving Center School benefit this Friday night from 7-10pm in Sausalito. Check on the message board under fund raising for details on the "Dance Your Heart Out - The Sequel". Hopefully we won’t have to do the full George Lucas, 30 year, six episode, gazillion dollar odyssey to get me through this. . . . Although I’m sure we would have a good chance at surpassing the drama, artistry and heart of some episodes of that journey.

My heart is just overflowing with gratitude for all your love and support. Keep checking the calendar or just call if you have some time. I’m still appreciating walking partners and any excuse to get me out moving (I need some motivation).

xoxo,
natalia rae

--
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “WOW! What a Ride! “
~ unknown

Sorry for the delay in this edition of boob-o-rama. Celebrating freedom, tolerance and other such values over the long weekend took precedence over sitting at the computer!

Although that is not entirely true. I had the interesting experience of being on the phone with Quicken tech support in New Dehli, India for several sessions last week following the "corruption" of my financial file. The absurdity of the situation did not escape me. Here I am sitting in one of the wealthiest communities in the world with every possible technological advance around me, and where do I call for help? Only to one of the poorest and most spiritual place on the planet - where perhaps a very small percentage of the population even has a computer. I can't imagine anyone on the sub continent being anywhere near as upset as I was over the loss of my record keeping file. I can see the heads bobbing from side to side now. How lucky am I to even have any finances to record - especially when I remember all the poverty I encountered on the streets of New Dehli. This off-shoring of tech support has to be some weird karmic joke. The techie west is now looking to the spiritual east for support. Hmmmmm. . . .

Back to my boob where we encounter the south/north divide. Yes, Dr. E is a surgeon, so of course came up with a surgical solution to my ever-swelling monument a few weeks ago. Surgeons seem to be somewhat like generals, they aren't happy less they've got a war. Upon examination last Wednesday, Dr. Smith, my oncologist, came up with a much different assessment. Commenting on the progress in my two chest globes he says, "Well your two Southern hemispheres look balanced in size and shape, it's just the Northern hemispheres that need to some adjusting." He thinks patience is in order here. Duh. Our bodies, and my body in particular, take a long time to respond to trauma - and the swelling takes its own sweet time to go down. So yet another lesson in that patience department. Oh joy!

Dr. Smith also administered my new chemo drip cocktail of taxotere and herceptin last Wednesday. An early start to the holiday party. Again the only side effect seems to be some serious fatigue. Oh, and then there is the hopefully temporary preview of the real "menopause" show which will come many years down the road. Evidently the chemo has shifted the hormonal balance in my body so that my menstrual cycle disappears and I get to experience the joys of hot flashes and an even greater and more exciting emotional rollercoaster than ever. The thrills of this maserati ride just never end. My eyelashes and brows seem to be in place so far . . . Keep your hopes hope that they stick with me!

We decided to do the chemo every week for the duration of the taxotere - which is now scheduled through the end of August. I will probably get a short break after that and start radiation sometime in September. We may be in for another surgery in the fall, and the herceptin keeps marching on till June 2006. Glory, glory hallelujah.

With continued gratitude for all your support and love,

Namaste,

Natalia Rae

I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers
~ Kahlil Gibran

Booblog reports have been slowing down, but I hope you haven't been lulled into the idea that the excitement has changed pace. Oh no, never a dull moment when kicking some serious cancer ass.

I'm happy to report miracle number two on this journey. You may remember back a few months ago the very unique color of the fluid coming out of my drain - which eventually corrected course after a little help from my visualizing posse. milagro numero uno. Following the drain removal, the fluid collected around my lovely new monument and scar tissue formed "capsular contracture" causing that rather bulbous "northern hemisphere". Dr. Eskenazi suggested this was cause for surgery again. Yikes. Luckily I had alternative advice from Dr. Smith (aka Dr. G): PATIENCE. In the meantime, all your good visualizing, a hot water bottle, and lots and lots of massaging all kinds of potions including rescue remedy, sesame oil, hypericum, arnica, rose oil and frankincense seemed to have paid off. Last Friday, Natalia Rae was out on the beach in a bikini looking pretty damn symmetrical. Yipppeeee!! Now there is just a little cosmetic procedure to shape things up and tattoo the finishing touch. . . Which will happen September 7th.

Next stop on the healing journey: radiation therapy. I met Dr. Francine Halberg last week just to make sure she is the one I want for this particular part of the journey. From our 90 minute meeting, I got the great preview of what will likely become "bacon boob". 28 days of frying the left side of my chest to a crisp . . . "The worst Jersey shore sunburn you ever experienced" was her assessment. Can't wait. Luckily she is in Marin right across the creek from me - so maybe I'll just paddle on over there every afternoon . . . Or better yet, I'll play "queen of the delta nile" and have some strong young buck do the work.

The chemo train is continuing down its tracks, fairly uneventfully. I seem to be responding well to the new regime - taxol and herceptin. For the first 4 treatments we have done an weekly protocol - so the side effects have been minimal. Next week I'm going to get a double taxol and perhaps a triple herceptin - Dr. G goes on vacation for the following 2 weeks. I may get my ass whopped, but with your continued good juju coming my way, I imagine I'll sail right through with a little extra sleep.

I've been starting the long road back to my fully mobile self - hiking, dancing and doing some yoga. Lisa Rueff and company over at the Yoga Studio will be doing their monthly Yoga Groove this Friday the 22nd with live music - and are kindly donating the proceeds to my healing! I hope to be there and hope to see many of you too.

OK, chemo brain is taking over - signing off for now.

Much love,

natalia

I borrow this line from the Warron Zevon, the gifted songwriter who died in 2003 of lung cancer. Reminders to make the most of every day are far too frequent . . . Or in some ways perhaps not frequent enough. I arrived at Esalen last Sunday to the announcement that a 34-year old member of the massage crew was found dead, seemingly a peaceful passing on his couch under a blanket. The fog hugged the coast all week - mirroring the internal state of disbelief we all were in as a result of this news. As Reverend Lance puts it, "no one gets out alive," yet untimely passings always come as a shock.

Speaking of alive - nothing has made me feel more alive in the last few weeks than randomly catching a PBS showing of my idol for the last thirty years, Bruuuuuuce, perform in NYC. I've rarely seen anyone so vibrant, pulsing, radiant, playful, joyful, committed, and sweaty . . . He has a way that seems to absolutely acknowledge every individual in the crowd of 100,000 or so. And he seems to soak up all the love that pours back towards him and just keeps cycling it back. And then there is the relationships within the band. I get chills thinking what those guys have been through together in over 40 years, and how well they all work together. He's pushing 60 and what amazing stamina and flexibility they guy has - he must take good care of himself. Yet another reason I love this man. (And need I remind you of his role in the last election??)

And speaking of taking care of oneself, another dose of inspiration came from watching the 85-year old cancer surviving Anna Halprin swing a hula-hoop 'round and 'round and 'round her hips on the lawn at Esalen. I am still somewhat too spastic for that graceful act, which may just be another case of "I'm just not old enough yet." She is another precious gem on this planet, and I am so glad I got to be in her presence and soak up a small droplet of her vast wisdom.

Now if I could only remember to enjoy every sandwich when I'm in the midst of scheduling chaos. If I could only remember to relax and not worry about a few weeks here and there. Instead I seem to be focused on my "treatment fatigue". I just want it all to be done already!! As luck would have it, here we are in holiday time again - so trying to get Dr. E and Dr. Halberg to fit me in sequence in between their vacations has been quite the experiment in the balance of surrender and persistence. I think persistence has won - even as I write this I've fielded 3 calls from them. I am now on Dr. E's schedule for August 26th to have the finishing touches put on my lovely new monument. Dr. Halberg, the radiation doc, will be making marks, scanning and setting me up for the big zapper machine on September 2nd. If all goes well, this will have me finishing up radiation at the end of October. So maybe my chest won't be so scary looking for Halloween . . . But there will definitely be some celebrating.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my pal of almost 20 yrs, Hilary (who wrote the LA Times article on the remote healing study) , at Stinson Beach for the next week. I think mama ocean has been one of the best healing tools in this whole process - and I feel so blessed to have so many opportunities to be near her! I'll be coming over the hill for my last Taxol dose on Wednesday the 17th! Yipppeee!

I continue to be in a state of gratitude for each and every one of you and the many, many beautiful ways we support each other!

Love, love, love,

Natalia

Tend to your vital heart, and
all you worry about will be solved.
~ Rumi

The saga continues, and we pick the story up back in the very skilled hands of plastic surgeon and artist extraordinaire, Dr. Loren Eskenazi. Eloise (and her sidekick Newton, a beautiful Weimaraner) with all their grounding energy and art directing capacities accompanied me for the finishing touches on my implant. You may remember the “juicy babe” episodes of this story for the many weeks after surgery. . . She’s baaa-aaack.

“Where do you want your nipple?” Dr. E asks when we walk in the office. Not a question I get asked very often, but after 10 minutes of moving a little round band-aid around my boob, we decide on a the perfect spot. Next, Dr. E astutely observes that the left boob is bigger than the right, and brings out a very long syringe to extract some saline from the implant to achieve symmetry. Then after administering local anesthesia, Dr. E opened up the existing scar to take the port out, and lo and behold, juicy mama strikes again. . . out came a great gushing of lymphatic fluid that had collected around the implant. Dr. E and Nurse Mari were surprised and grabbing for towels. As Eloise tells it, “they were not psyched.” I was! At last some relief from that sensation of having a water balloon in my chest – I instantly felt better with all that fluid gone. We then had to sit me up again to check symmetry – and decided to pump the saline back into the implant. (I can see a future where women could be adjusting their boobs to fit their outfits, the occasion, their mood whatever.) The next step was Dr. E yanking the port off of the implant. . . no more adjustments for this one. Next, onto this now perfectly shaped mound, Dr. began the finishing touch with a technique she invented. She cut an eye shaped area of skin and with a series of spiral folds and stitches created a lovely little rose of a nipple. She then brought out her palette of colors and tattoo gun got busy matching my other areola. Within an hour the whole process was complete – my first tattoo.

I’m back on antibiotics, because as Dr. E says - “if there is a way out, there is a way in.” This whole lymphatic fluid thing seems to be a mystery to them so they are being cautious. I have to stay out of water, and keep it covered for a week, so stay tuned for the unveiling of the final piece in September.

Since my last update, I also put another milestone in place – I finished all the standard “dose dense” chemo treatments. Basically that means, I’m done with the acute side effects (which were not too significant for me) and the 4 hour office visits. However, because I’m so special and have that mutant Her2nu gene, I get to continue to go see my dear Dr. Smith and his merry band every week for the herceptin drip – only 43 more! Now my treatments are down to about an hour so it’s much better. I’ve also started getting acupuncture during my treatments from the lovely Julie Argyle (who is the blond in the pictures on flickr). . . I figure, what’s a few more needles at this point. . . And hers are so much more gentle and seem to be doing some good with my hot flashes an other fun menopausal symptoms. I also continue to be humored and cheered on by the wit and wisdom of the front team of Claudia and Carol. Please join me some time if you are so inclined – it is a scene worth experiencing.

In other significant happenings, my lovely Subaru and I celebrated our 15th anniversary together this month. She and I have been on many incredible journeys together (I’m very glad she can’t tell you all about them). It is clear how much she empathizes with my situation - just after my surgery the driver’s side headlight somehow got disconnected and was hanging on just by the wire. We rushed her off to her “doctor” – who just put clear packing tape over her to hold her on. Now we both are bandaged up on the left! As you can imagine the mechanic was quite blown away by my sense of humor about the whole thing.

And while we are on the quirky train, I had a great time spending time with Hilary, her family and friends at Stinson Beach. We all enjoyed comparing the fuzzy head of Hilary’s 10-week old baby to my new styling growth. I also got the opportunity to follow my Chinese Medical doctor’s suggestion that I find a lactating mama for one of my “supplements”. Evidently, mother’s milk contains an isolated a protein that seems to kill cancer cells. Luckily, Hilary really loves me, and brought her pump along, so I got to enjoy my daily milk martini by the sea. Yum, yum – like warm ice cream. And, in fact, my digestion seemed significantly better, and so did my energy. Of course that could’ve just been all the naps, the love, the ocean, but who knows. Got milk?

To celebrate the completion of the monument and the yucky chemo, and before we dive into the world of radiation, I’m off next week to get a little more seaside R&R – this time in Inverness – tucked peacefully within the Point Reyes National Seashore. I’m hopefully taking Alex and Jen with me, so that the three of us who are in the rougher waters of this journey can soak up some of that lovely energy and bring it back to the medical establishments we frequent. I’m also soooo excited that Lauren, the hootin’, hollerin’ archangel herself, will be joining us – flapping those big wings of hers all the way from Texas (after she does a 100 mile bike ride in 100 degree heat today)! Yee-haw!

I’m diving back into the medical world right after Labor Day with follow-ups with Dr. E, 3 set up appointments with Dr. Halberg before we start radiation on the 13th, a CT scan, and my continued weekly herceptin treatments with Dr. Smith. I’ll be needing some assistance so check out the calendar on the website if you have time to drive, drop off a meal, make me laugh, listen to me cry . . . I continue to be so grateful for all the love and support you are sending my way.

Much, much love,

Natalia

You can view the pics at (I'll put some new ones up soon.)
http://boobjourney.shutterfly.com/action/

Jeez! I've been too paralyzed to write for the last few weeks. Too much happening and changing all the time (duh!) . . . this was supposed to be the "relaxing" break between chemo and radiation.

We left off with the artistry of Dr. E, which has continued to heal beautifully. The glitch, however, is that I swelled up around the implant to a "Dolly Double D" size again. A lymphatic fluid flood -- I must be empathizing with New Orleans, ever the sensitive girl. Going in there evidently broke the precarious dam that had created a homeostasis. So it's been 3 weeks in an ace bandage. For your visual let's go back to the movies -- think Gwyneth Paltrow in "Shakespeare in Love" (who, like Hilary Swank, won an Academy Award for this chest wrapping role). There must be something very appealing about this practice!! Perhaps I will submit my performance for consideration. . .

Meanwhile, I entertain myself by somewhat desperately looking for answers to this bizarre flare up. The doctors seem to be throwing their arms up on this one. They don't get it. I suggested to Dr. Halberg that I consult my "woo-woo" people about the swelling. She said "I would, absolutely. Western medicine only has surgery and drugs - and we can't recommend either in this case." I leave her office and head up to Mt. Tam, my sanctuary, for some solitude before chemo. About five minutes into the Hoo-Koo-E-Koo trail, a dog and it's owner come towards me hurriedly, saying something like "I think we disturbed a swarm of bees." Hmmmm. . . I didn't really register the information, and seconds later I am swarmed by angry hornets (they sometimes nest in the trails). Visualize the freak out as multiple stingers enter my left ring finger, the back of my head and butt. I had a sweater and hat on and noticed that hundreds of these little critters were stuck in the fabric. I flung them off and ran. !@*&#$%! Luckily, I don't seem to be allergic.

Later that same day, during chemo, I was receiving yet more pokes, this time from the acupuncturist. Just out of curiosity I asked her what meridian points the hornets stimulated on my left ring finger. She replied, "Well, they don't really have much application in western medicine, but in Chinese medicine they are points that regulate the fluids in your body," as she moved her palm in a circular motion around her chest (and btw, she did not know of my swelling). Healers certainly come in mysterious forms. . . I can now add hornets to my long list of healing allies. (And thanks to Alex who bravely trekked up to the trail the next day to retrieve my discarded sweater.)

I have not yet abandoned western medicine entirely - although I have certainly been tempted several times in the last few weeks. I received my first radiation treatment today, after some of the most challenging experiences on this ride to date. I received sad news last week that a friend passed away from damage to her heart and lungs caused by the last round of radiation 6 years ago. She has been an inspiration in facing the cards life deals us successfully beating cancer 3 times for more than 5 years each time. The timing of this news was particularly trying. I walked in for the lengthy radiation planning process and see the CT scan of my chest with a big circle indicating the area they will zap. Yes, it includes a section of my left lung. My mind went racing, and this was all just too much for me. We called for a recess and regrouped on Tuesday.

I knew I was avoiding that session for a reason. How much fun is two hours on my back on a hard board with my arm in a mold over my head?? None. I felt like one of those swamis in India that keep there arms over their heads to achieve some spiritual realization. I was grateful for my meditation practice, "feeling pain, feeling the knife grinding under my shoulder blade, breathing into the pain, feeling pins and needles . . ." as the weight of my bones pinched nerves in my back. You get the idea. No enlightenment, but at least I didn't clobber the technicians. I spent 2 hours in there today again - they had to re-do many of the films they took on Tuesday to get it perfect. I will undoubtedly be glowing by the end of this portion of the treatment plan (28 days of zapping over the next 6 weeks).

Now that I have you feeling sorry for me, I did get to enjoy some spectacular days in the resplendent beauty of Inverness and Point Reyes and a great visit from Lauren. I also spent last weekend on retreat in Woodside with 27 breast cancer survivors (although we all decided we don't like that term). It was great to see all these women who have moved on from their treatment . . . hair, cleavage, and most inspiring for me, one 42 year old woman who was diagnosed at 39 is now 5 months pregnant. There is life after this ordeal.

Thanks again for all your support! If you've got some love and light to share, please send it to the technicians in the radiation lab - Johnna, Anna, Elaine, Jane and Josie. And let's all visualize all the floodwaters receding . . .

Much love,

Natalia

Where the bee sucks, there suck I
In a cowslip’s bell I lie;
There I couch when owls do cry.
On the bat’s back I do fly
After summer merrily:
Merrily, merrily shall I live now
Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.
~ William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"

Things have been going along so smoothly, I haven't had much to say. . . Just counting down the days of radiation left. There were just 6 . . .

And then this weekend something bad happened. We don't really know what but it's bad and I'm going in for surgery today at 1:00pm - back at CPMC California Campus at 3700 California. The number there is 415-600-6000. I don't know if I'll be spending the night or not. I don't know if I'll come out with an implant or not. At this point it seems not.

We tried really hard to make it work - and she was looking so great - how quickly things change.

Thanks for sending your good juju my way today - I need it.

Much love,

natalia

Back from my second stay at Chateau CPMC (aka the hospital with the screaming protestors in front for the last month). Hoping this will be coherent after a less than restful night.

To fill you in, the old monument was fire breathing red, swollen, and screamin' angry for the last few days. My energy tanked, and I finally went into the pros on Monday. After consulting three of the best, we decided to go in to the beauty (aka beast). When the doctor operated yesterday, she found an infected abscess (aka puss). And then, exclaimed "eeewwww, gross," cleaned her out with antibiotics, put a new "tire" in, and sewed her back up. Changing the tire, and no messy grease to get off your hands.

Joining us in the heroics is Lauren, yes, the famous Lauren. She rallied when I called her at midnight Monday night (Austin time), and arrived at the hospital by 11:00am Tuesday for my surgery. A better friend one could not ask for.

I am very disappointed about this detour in my treatment. I was just making plans for my return to the land of the living - and "making a living", and I feel like I am back to square one in some ways. As they say, "we make plans, and 'You Know Who' laughs his 'you know what' off."

The famous drain is back in (luckily no creamsicle color this time) and I am greatly limited in my activity for the next few weeks (no lifting over 5 lbs., no raising my arm overhead, etc). This will make continuing radiation an interesting affair - the process involves having my arm in the position that is most uncomfortable for long periods of time. More on that amazing feat soon, no doubt.

Thanks so much for sending your good healing energy my way - it seems to still be working. Imagine that. How blessed I am to have each of you in my circle!

Love, love, love, love, love

natalia

I thought I would show you my new boobies!


(visualize a cartoon of two bees in ghost costumes saying "boooo-ooo")

Thanks to Jen Burner for contributing this one and helping to keep my sense of humor about this whole ordeal. These little stingers are a much cuter than the ones I encountered up on the trail a few months ago. (No, I’m not traumatized ;-))

Thanks to the phenomenal support from so many people in so many forms, my recovery is going well. You guys hide your wings well. . . But I see ‘em.

We did have one pre-Halloween scare last week necessitating the “do-over” of all my stitches. I noticed there was a little opening starting around at the scar – and when I got in to see Dr. E she just kept saying “God, I hope I don’t see the implant.” YIKES! Everything seems to be fine – the drain is still in and all seems to be healing, and nothing could get past the massive quantity of antibiotics I’m taking anyway.

I start radiation again this afternoon. Looks like we will stick to the original plan – and just do the final 6 treatments. This means that if all the stars align, we will be done with the “slash and burn” portion of the program next Monday. I am grateful for all the juju you can send my way for this last week. I am pretty confident that I have had my last “setback,” but there is a part of me that is a little freaked that this last little bit of radiation will wreak some havoc. How much can one body take after all? Hopefully all this and the 36 more herceptin treatments I have ahead in the “poison” portion of this adventure.

I am still learning about stillness and going slow. Not an easy feat for a type-A, over-achieving, coffee addict like myself. My intensive course continues for the next 8 days. I’ll be sure to report on my progress.

Trick or treat, sending much love,

Natalia

--
We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.  ~Luciano de Crescenzo

Two reasons to celebrate this Tuesday, November 8th . . .
First, it looks like I will have my LAST radiation treatment at 8:45am. Yippeee! Second, most of us have another opportunity to exercise our right to vote. For those in California, the tune I'm humming sounds something like: No, No, No, No, No, No, Yes, huh. Sing along.

In my post-surgical stillness for the last 3 weeks, I've taken some time to look over the upcoming CA ballot initiatives. And in case you were wondering, I'm going to vote NO on the first 6 (73 - 78) and YES on 79. I will probably vote NO on 80 (utility regulation), because I'm not clear on the benefits either way. If you don't understand any of these measures, the general rule of thumb is to vote NO. Of course, get informed and vote however you want. Just show up and be counted. . . it seems to be a close call on many of the initiatives. (www.smartvoter.org has a good overview of the issues). BTW, if you have an absentee ballot, at this point you have to take your ballot in – don’t mail it – they do not go by postmarks – they go by date received.

Except for my body (and being) complaining loudly about my lack of activity, I'm doing very well. This is thanks in no small part to the great outpouring of support from all of you guys. I want to thank all my chauffeurs, cooks, cleaners, personal shoppers, entertainers, gardeners, hands-on healers, remote healers . . . I get by with a little help from my friends. Sing along again.

Here’s to life, liberty, and the pursuit,

With soooo much love,

Natalia Rae

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're going
- Running to Stand Still - U2

Here we are again at harvest time and the great day of Thanks.

If love is what I'm harvesting this year, I’ve got a bumper crop on my hands! I'm in a state of abundance. You, my posse, my tribe, my friends, my family have come through in more ways than I ever could have imagined. For this I am forever grateful. They say that in tough times you learn who your friends are . . . I’ve done learnt lots! Thanks to each and every one of you for being in my web. I couldn't have made it through this journey without you - and it certainly wouldn't have been half as fun (well, I don't know if I'd call it fun. . . But you know what I mean).

Good news to report. The noticeable effects of the radiation are GONE! POOF! Like magic. I feel so much more human again. I can't say the same for the surgery . . . I definitely notice a considerable tightness on my left side, and there is that gnarly scar (which will fade over time). The most exciting news is that the doctors have given a "cautiously" green light for me to get back into my normal activity.

Also in the “noticeable” category - just this morning I put on one of my yoga tops for the first time in months - and visually I couldn't tell that I'd been through anything. It's a miracle. I am soooooo happy. After nursing this little monument for months and months, it looks like she's gonna make it. Perhaps I am now the "silicon sister" Bruce was singing about in Blinded by the Light. And my hair is finally in need of a trim! Yippeee! It is thick, curly and has many many “shades of grey” which we like to call “ash blonde”. Darn – I was hoping to finally be a redhead!

I have been enjoying the reprieve in treatment and all this great progress, starting to do some more yoga, and moving from “walking” to “hiking”. Under strict orders from Lauren, I am doing so gradually. It is such a blessing to be on the mountain and on my mat in these breathtakingly beautiful fall days we keep having! It is easy to feel good here!

BUT, just when I was feeling groovy, I went to see the Chinese Medical guru of Marin - who unfortunately drop kicked me right out of my bliss. He opens my appointment with, "What are you going to do now to mitigate the unseen and unfelt effects of the treatment you've just been through, and what are you going to do to prevent a recurrence?" It was one of those time/space warping experiences - almost as bad as getting my diagnosis in March. On top of that was, "Why aren't you 100% vegan yet?" (Luckily I didn’t tell him I was still drinking coffee!)

The Chinese suggest a "regret reduction perspective" where every day I should be able to review what I have done in the name of prevention and honestly say, "I have done the best that I could today. There is not one more minute of yoga that I could have done, there is not one more dollar I could have spent. My figurative and literal resources that I am prepared to employ in the name of prevention are maxed." HUH??? I can't imagine with my personality and constitution that I would EVER be able to say that I did everything I could in a given day. That thought just makes me laugh at the absurdity of it.

I've already been doing just about everything I can do to maintain optimum health for years. If we knew what caused breast cancer, then I would certainly do whatever it takes to prevent it. Of course, we don't know much except that eating a low fat diet and getting lots of exercise helps. Duh.

I've processed this with many of you already - and Alex I think had the best response. . . Self love. Yeah, babe. It's all about self-love. I like the idea of orienting around that concept - in fact I feel really good just contemplating it. I definitely like it much better than an obsessive focusing on goals and results - which haven't been proven to mean anything anyway.

So there it is. . . All you need is love. More soon.

Many blessings,
Natalia Rae

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. 
~Thornton Wilder

And just because I like to think I’m open-minded, and need inspiration in my conversion to veganism, I share a quirky poem:

Point of View

Thanksgiving dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday dinner isn't sunny
Easter feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and lobsters, lamb chops too
'Til I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

~ Shel Silverstein

Om nama shivaya . . . oy vey . . . ay yah - or as we say so eloquently in this country, “!@#$%&*!”

In this installment of the booblog we find our heroine basking after a four day Thanksgiving love-fest, peacefully resting on her couch, building up reserves to go worship at the Fillmore Cathedral with Rev. Michael Franti and Spearhead. She goes to change into appropriate “church” going attire – and notices a stain on her bright orange shirt. “funny, I don’t remember spilling anything there,” she thinks to herself, clearly denying the location of the stain. “Gee, there is a little on the bra also.” Hmmm. There is a scar strip over the scar, so she doesn’t see anything indicating a problem. She proceeds to change clothes and the lightbulb finally lights up when she notices the shirt she just put on already has a spot. You can guess the stream of expletives that burst forth as she ripped everything off to discover a “break in the dam”.
A small clot had developed on the scar and the skin separated so that enough fluid to soak about 30 gauze pads came gushing out. That calm, upbeat, natalia you’ve all experienced was no where to be found. Full blown panic.

Luckily, two angels, Peter and Dara, were on the road to the show also, and high tailed it over to rescue her. Dr. E returned her frantic page promptly. Like the Wolf in Pulp Fiction, Dr. E made it to her office in Pacific Heights post haste (after sky diving earlier in the day), and was waiting on the arrival of the mod squad from Marin. Sure enough, Natalia had made the right decision in calling – it was back to the table where Dr. E spent an hour stitching her up again. Dr. E said most doctors would pull out the implant and call it a day at this point. But not our “cowgirl” Dr. E – she’s willing to be aggressive, after all, we’ve come this far. Physically the problem seems to be that the radiated skin is not growing back together so well. Soaking in a beautiful hot tub under the redwoods by the Russian River didn’t seem to help much either (current orders are soaking only up to the tit line). There is also a theory circulating in the woo-woo world that Natalia’s big heart just keeps getting bigger and pushing right through the skin. Feeling most expansive after four days being surrounded by loved ones, it is hard to throw that theory out.

As fate would have it, Dr. E’s office is just a few blocks from the Fillmore, and she just happened to be going to the show as well. Imagine that. So she sent the angels off to enjoy the opening acts while she did her job, and chauffeured the repaired Franti devotee to the show in time for the headliner. It was a most unusual experience to be at the show, unable to sing (yes, Natalia has throat issue too) or dance (with the Dr. as chaperone to make sure). It was still fantastic to be basking in the glow of such a radiant being.

So just like the theme of most of the music played last night, it is time to channel energy to help “cross the great divide.” May the two sides of the incision heal and come together. East/West, black/white, red/blue, Christian/Pagan, over-achiever/slacker – the list of chasms seems endless – but at least let’s try to get these little pieces of skin to grow together in peace and harmony. It is a start. And then we can get on to the rest. As they say, peace starts at home.

Thanks for your power-visualizations this week as we are back to stillness.

Om shanti,

NRK
(don’t know why this came out in the third person today, but it did)

Sometimes, I feel like I could do anything and
Sometimes I’m so alive, so alive
Sometimes, I feel like I could swim ‘cross the sky
Sometimes, I wanna cry.
~ Michael Franti

Give boob a chance. Well, OK, that’s my 2005 rendition . . . and some peace would be welcome too for that matter. We recently marked 25 years since the passing of John Lennon, a day I remember very vividly as a young Beatles freak, so thought I’d honor this peacemaker in the booblog.

You guys are all amazing. . . with offers of duct tape, super glue and a whole lot of power visualizing – I am cautiously optimistic that we are on the mend. My follow-up appointments with Dr. E revealed yet another small pinhole opening – so back to the table for a few more stitches – two weeks in a row. I have now won the nomination for two awards this year – most biopsied at Marin General and now the most stitched at Women’s Plastic Surgery.

The labs from my Thanksgiving episode came back positive for pseudomonas aeruginosa. Not only is that a mouthful – but also a nasty little bacteria one gets from hospital beds or . . . hot tubs. I’m busted (no pun intended). With some luck, the Cipro I’ve been taking should take care of it. So far so good. . . No signs of the infection spreading. Yet, what is a young hippie girl to do – no dancing, no yoga, no soaking – and all this for a little cleavage. It is a big price to pay in the short term – and I’m still glad I made the decision to get the implant, and would do it again even knowing what I know now. Maybe I’ve been in California too long.

I got a triple dose of herceptin last week and got the clear from both docs to head out for 3 weeks. I am enjoying a lovely time in SUNNY So Cal with the large contingent of my healing posse (including 6 beautiful babies!!). I am heading “home” to Big Sur for the holidays on Thursday. I’ll be teaching a bit, but mostly soaking in all the abundant prana.

After this year of major receiving, I’m looking forward to getting back to giving in the yoga room (and elsewhere too for that matter). If the good graces of the universe continue to smile down on me, I’ll be back at the Yoga Studio for five classes a week and gradually returning to my private practice. I hope to see many familiar faces there! More on that soon.

Wishing you all much peace for the holidays.

In gratitude,

Natalia Rae



Excerpts from Amazing Peace
By Dr. Maya Angelou
. . .
In our joy, we think we hear a whisper.
At first it is too soft. Then only half heard.
We listen carefully as it gathers strength.
We hear a sweetness.
The word is Peace.
It is loud now. It is louder.
Louder than the explosion of bombs.

We tremble at the sound. We are thrilled by its presence.
It is what we have hungered for.
Not just the absence of war. But, true Peace.
. . .
We beckon this good season to wait a while with us.
We, Baptist and Buddhist, Methodist and Muslim, say come.
Peace.
Come and fill us and our world with your majesty.
We, the Jew and the Jainist, the Catholic and the Confucian,
Implore you, to stay a while with us.
So we may learn by your shimmering light
How to look beyond complexion and see community.
. . .
On this platform of peace, we can create a language
To translate ourselves to ourselves and to each other.
. . .
Peace. We look at our world and speak the word aloud.
Peace. We look at each other, then into ourselves
And we say without shyness or apology or hesitation.

Peace, My Brother.
Peace, My Sister.
Peace, My Soul.

OK this is hysterical!

I just got word that ABC News will finally air the piece about the "remote healing" study (that I participated in back in April) . . . on, of course . . . Christmas. There must be a bunch of Pagans, Jews or Muslims running the show! Oh geez, they did ask me a bunch of questions about religion and prayer and the like. No wonder they held it so long, and waited till anyone who would be offended by my view of the spiritual versus the religious would be otherwise occupied. Dr. E evidently had some choice words for them as well on Bush and his use of prayer. Should be quite the show - almost a 3 minute piece.

So if you want to see my bald head shining at you from the TV screen, set your Tivo, VCR or tune in to the evening news - National Edition. I think they call it "World News Tonight" on ABC - and it should be on at 5 or 6pm depending on your time zone. . . Check local listings.

Glad I will get to smile at you all over the holidays afterall! Being in Big Sur, I probably won't get to see it so somebody try to get a recording for me. Muchas gracias.

May we all keep shining brightly,

Natalia Rae

If it's Wednesday, it must be surgery. This experience has somehow come to feel routine.

Yes folks, it's true. In the midst of my peaceful retreat in Big Sur with my Esalen tribe, back in my yoga practice, having taught my first class in 8 months, I looked down at the stitches in my scar to see a small red spot that looked like blood. !@#$%^&*! again. I was not sure what it was, but I knew I had to get up to see Dr. E. My fellow teacher and angel in disguise Andrew insisted on driving me up and supporting me for the journey. In one glance Dr. E knew the implant had to come out . . . And gave me about five minutes to decide whether to go flat or get a half inflated saline implant which can be inflated later after the skin heals. I chose the latter.

So at about 8:30 last night at the end of a long day for our fearless Doctor, she exchanged silicone for saline. There was one small glitch in the post-op . . . I started itching all over and shaking in an allergic reaction to Vancomycin, and antibiotic. A little benadryl seemed to relieve the symptoms pretty quickly, but necessitated an overnight at “Chateau CPMC” for monitoring (and ultimately an uneventful night's sleep). It was nice to see a familiar face, one of my sweet yoga students was the on duty nurse at the admitting desk. . . So I continue to get the VIP treatment over there.

I checked out the new monument this morning and it is looking somewhat like I imagine my chest will look in about 50 or 60 years. Kinda scary! I know not to worry about the cosmetic effect right now, and it is a little disconcerting after the perfect match I had finally achieved with monument #2. I have come to trust the artist in Dr. E after all this time, so I’ll just stay optimistic.

I’ve been using aikido defense moves against the little flu bugs on the attack for a week and I’m dealing with the residual anesthesia and surgical effects – so I’m not feeling 100%. The good news is that I can lift my arm enough to get pull over sweaters on, and I don’t feel nearly as debilitated physically as the past two surgeries. Like I say, it is starting to feel a little routine. Let’s all cheer for monument #3.

I’ll let you know what this means for my planned return to the yoga studio on Monday. It is still in the realm of possibility.

Glad to have you along for the journey,

In gratitude,

Natalia Rae

PS – Not sure what happened with ABC – the World News Tonight website had “The Power of Prayer” listed on the 12/25 show, but it evidently got pulled at the last minute – I haven’t heard if/when they will reschedule it – and there is some rumor that it was aired somewhere – but I’ll let you know when I find out. Thanks to everyone that recorded it.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

Sister Sandy wins the prize - she called just in time tonight to sound the alert of the ABC News story on the power of prayer, starring yours truly. (Glad that someone watches TV!) I guess they thought it was good enough to put the video on the website - so you can still check it out at the link below. (I’m the michael jordan look alike.) The whole piece is less than 4 minutes.

Study Seeks to Test Power of Prayer

PR for the masses - Tim's photo, Cousin Steve’s photos from Breckenridge (incl. Cousin Sarah), Lauren's shirt, Peter Collins’ and Art Busse’s paintings, the fruits of Mark's spring planting on my deck, and the written well-wishes of the dance tribe all make an appearance.

Even though it took not one, not two, but three trips to the surgical table, as I say in the show, I still believe that all the prayers and well wishes have helped. The cancer is in remission (yay!), and the cosmetic effect is just taking a little longer than we had hoped (and prayed for). I’m still confident that bodacious tatas are in my near future.

Tomorrow is a big day! Looks like I’ll be getting the drain out in the morning, and, wasting no time, making my return to the Yoga Studio in the evening. Believe me, I’m looking forward to both!

Onward and upward,

Natalia Rae

P.S.
If you don’t want to watch the whole thing – here are the brilliant soundbites the producer selected from over 2 hours of interview:

“I believe that prayer and intention matter a lot”

"Any help I can get in healing from this disease, I'll take — especially one that's non-invasive," Kraft said. "It's cost effective. I don't really see any downside to it."

“Prayers thoughts and good intentions have already eased my recovery”

Greetings -

It’s been awhile – so let’s dive right in. Since my last update, Nurse Mary pulled the latest drain out and we seem to have avoided any further fluid accumulation. Yay! Each week since then Dr. E has added 50cc of saline into implant #3 using very big syringe (I try not to look). Over the weeks, it has been such fun to relive my teenage years watching my boob grow. The fun never stops. Dr. E will be re-doing her tattoo artwork next week – and we’ll be indulging in more of Nurse Mary’s baked goods . . . Yes, I’ll be celebrating my birthday at Women’s Plastic Surgery Associates. Woo-hoo! I’ve been there for Dr. E and Mary’s birthdays this year. . . It’s always a party. Care to join?

Saline versus silicone? They are definitely different creatures. . . Silicone was so self assured, perky, and immobile - intense; saline is so fluid, malleable - lazy, like having a bag of water between the ribs and skin. I wonder if everyone can hear the slushing sounds as I move around. I’m not a big fan of either, and I am adjusting to this new feel. Slowly. I’m finally at the stage where you probably couldn’t tell what I’ve been through just by looking at me. It’s about time for a new bra shopping excursion . . . what a trip that will be after my year of ace bandages!

The skilled hands of Rick Kutten (in MV) and Harvey Deutch (in SF) have been helping to release some of the scar tissue and fascia that froze up my left side after 3 surgeries and 9 months of stillness. They have given me the confidence to get back on my yoga mat, foam roller, physio-ball, blocks, etc. etc. etc. These guys know how to have fun. Rebuilding this body has become a 3 hour daily routine. I really am sooo happy to be moving again, so this is pretty much a joy. I’m also thrilled to be teaching 5 classes weekly at the Yoga Studio. I am getting so much inspiration from practicing with everyone again. Can I get an “AMEN” ??

In the midst of this return to the mobile world, I got a call from the recent yoga conference in San Francisco, where folks from Yogi Times Magazine were brainstorming on the “Pose for A Cause” centerfold for the February edition. An idea came up to feature Life Goes Om, an organization promoting yoga for cancer patients. Amy H. who has been a true angel through my journey suggests “the perfect model.” Me. Michael Franti, one of my idols, graced the same page in the last issue. . . needless to say I was honored to be considered. Many details, phone calls and emails later, everything fell into place . . . 2 days before they go to press. D’oh. . . The photographer is in LA, the model in Marin. So I got on a plane at 7am the next morning. The life of a rock star.

The trip was quite the event. Only at LAX does one rent an “economy” car and end up with a PT Cruiser. Gotta look good while sitting in traffic I guess. I arrive at the Venice studio of Jasper Johal, the photographer, and we get down to the serious business of deciding an outfit and a pose. Should we be cliché and pose in all pink (the breast cancer color of choice) or go with subtle earth tones? We went with the bright. Deciding on a pose was more complicated; as a double page spread the pose had to be long, but have some height as well, and couldn’t have my head in the middle (it would get lost in the binding). Hmmm. “What’s your ‘show off’ pose?” he asks. OK, now I know I’m in LA. I just started playing around and of course the sweat poured out immediately. The poor assistant kept coming over to wipe my brow. We had lots of fun and after several hours came up with the winning shot. Yes, I was sore the next day. Probably one of the more unusual ways to usher in the 40’s - with my knee behind my shoulder and foot behind my head as a magazine centerfold. At least my foot isn’t in its usual portal at the front side. Enjoy! (Go ahead and sing the J.Giles Band song . . . “My angel is the centerfold . . .”)

I’ve lost exact count – but we’re down to about 10 more herceptin treatments – which should take us through June. That’s when we’ll have a big celebration to put this whole ordeal behind us. I’m already in the role of welcoming others to Planet Cancer. My neighbor got the bad news 2 weeks ago and had a lumpectomy, and another friend is starting chemo with Garrett Smith tomorrow. It’s a wild world. Stay healthy and shine brightly!

Many blessings,

Natalia Rae
Age is mind over matter - as long as you don’t mind, it don’t matter
~ Muhammad Ali

Here we are approaching March Madness again! Will the ‘Heels pull it off again? Back to back NCAA titles?? Anything can happen.

I sent out my first installment of the booblog 365 days ago . . . lo and behold . . .we all managed to hang on this spinning rock for another full orbit around the sun. Congratulations and many thanks. It was a little touch and go there for me on this last revolution, but the saying goes, "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW What a Ride!" I think I qualify . . . right along with Jen, Brad and Angelina – who I have kept up with during their tumultuous year – thanks to the constant supply People magazines in Doctor’s offices - as if it were the elixir of life. If only. And we’re not quite done yet.

This journey continues to demand all the presence I can muster. About a month ago I started to feel some pain radiating down my left forearm. I thought I just tweaked it in yoga. Then the pain moved up into my upper arm, and I noticed a new cord-like tendon in my left armpit. Hmmm. Back to Rick for an assessment. "Hmmm, that doesn't exist," he says, and he did his best to work around this alien substance. Next it was in for my herceptin drip, where Garrett takes one look at it, and with tears in his eyes declares I've got an infected lymph node. (So great to have such and empathetic doctor on my team!) It was red and there were red streaks down my arm (a week after I first noticed it). Back on to Cipro (an antibiotic). Good news -- the redness disappeared within a few days. The bad news -- the pain continued, and then about 10 days ago my hand and arm swelled up - yes, I have the mysterious dreaded lymphedema. Damn. My left hand is looking something like Andre the Giant’s paw must look.

You'll remember my amazing swelling chest and freaky draining fluid after my first surgery. This was a pretty good clue that I've got a trippy lymph system. Now, with 10 lymph nodes removed from my left side, I'm susceptible to swelling for the duration of my time here on earth. It can be brought on from any little bacteria - from a splinter or hang nail - or from lifting, stretching, excessive heat (hot tubs, saunas etc). You've got to be kidding me!! What do I spend most of my time doing? Lifting, weight bearing, stretching and soaking in hot water. I'm getting fitted for a compression sleeve to hopefully contain the swelling so my hand and arm stay functional. Precious little is understood about this condition in the western medical world – so I’m open to consulting some of the more woo-woo modalities out there. Acupuncture has helped a little. We may take a break from herceptin for a treatment or two to see if that is somehow contributing to this weirdness. I’m ready for a break. Duh.

I’m absolutely loving being back to teaching and looking forward to returning to Austin in a few weeks to visit Lauren and study with John Friend, and learn some new tricks to share with everyone (maybe from Lauren’s 6 dogs). I ran away to Austin the day after I got diagnosed last year, so I thought it a good idea to express my vitality and survivorship to go back and see how I feel after all this. No doubt I’m much stronger and wiser in so many ways. . . Even if I’m not quite up to all the acrobatic arm balances.

Much love and many blessings to you all. And I extend blessings on to my friends Jewel, Alecia, Joan and our latest celebrity addition to planet cancer, Sheryl Crow, as they all make their way through the trials and tribulations of treatment.

Natalia Rae

PS – A public service announcement. When this all started, my OB/GYN missed a huge 8cm tumor in my left breast – but detected my potential cancer by noticing my nipple was a little funky – it turned out to be Paget’s disease - just an FYI about the symptoms to be on the look out for:

Paget's Disease: This is a rare form of breast cancer, and is on the outside of the breast, on the nipple and aureole. It can appear as a rash, which later becomes a lesion with a crusty outer edge. It can be itchy and sore

What are the symptoms?

1. A persistent redness, oozing, and crusting of your nipple causing it to itch and burn (My nipple collapsed first, and then opened and oozed and itched – no burning.)

2. A sore on your nipple that will not heal.

3. Usually only one nipple is effected.

How is it diagnosed?
Your doctor will do a physical exam and should suggest having a mammogram of both breasts, done immediately. Even though the redness, oozing and crusting closely resemble dermatitis (inflammation of the skin), your doctor should suspect cancer if the sore is only on one breast. Your doctor should order a biopsy of your sore to confirm what is going on.

Amigos -

I've resisted updating the booblog in a feeble attempt to keep the alarm factor down. The word of mouth